A Little Sadness Never Hurts

I've been accused of many things.

One thing I'm often accused of is being too positive.  

I'm not so sure there is such of a thing. 

If there is, I surrender.  Guilty as charged. 

Do you want to know a little secret? 

I'm not always that happy. 

On the surface, maybe. 

But not always. 

Don't get me wrong, I. LOVE. MY. LIFE.  So much so!  However, sometimes life up and stops in front of me, shaking me out of my Paulyana-esc attitude like a jolt of uninterrupted lightning.  Much like everyone else, I go through my day to day business with it's energetic highs and emotional lows.  I start off the day with a clean house, a blank slate and a good attitude. 

It typically stays that way until about 6:30 when the rug rats begin to stir.  By 7:30, my house looks like a bomb went off. 

From there, I struggle just to keep my head above water.  I laugh with the kids, try my hardest to get food on the table in a timely manner and watch as my energy level drops each passing minute.  I am grateful to have these moments of pure bliss throughout the day. 

It's these moments that keep my feet moving, my expression light and my attitude hopeful as we work our way to the 8:00 hour.  By then, I'm beat and all I want to do is snuggle with my rug rats as they (finally!) unwind. 

This last weekend I was blessed to be able to travel back home to California and for a small moment be transported back to my former life.  It was a quick trip, and I have to admit I missed my kiddos much more than I'm sure they missed me.  What was suppose to be a relaxing solo weekend, instead for me turned into an anxiety ridden 24 hours where I felt the absence of those three midgets like I was missing an appendage.  

I went to visit my home-away-from-home, my old school Sulphur Springs.  I can't even express the feeling I had driving back into that parking lot, walking those halls.  I felt like I was back home, yet so out of place.  I walked into the office and for a split second it felt so right.  

How I loved seeing (even if it was only for a second) my friends and even past students.  I am blown away at how lucky I am to get to have these wonderful people in my life.  Oh how I've missed them!  They were my family for so long that being with them feels like I've come home after a really long vacation. 

On the drive home, in a vehicle by myself I had a lot quiet and a lot of time to think.  First time in a very long time.  I found myself getting very sad and decided that I'd take that drive home, allow myself to feel the way I was feeling and as soon as I arrived home with my family, I'd let it go- forget it and move on. 

At first I couldn't understand why I was so down.  I had to backtrack a bit to figure it all out.  So far this is all I have: It's like when I returned home from my mission.  

For so long my life was all about missionary work.  I lived and breathed it every second.  I loved what I was doing and though I was happy to be seeing my family again, I was so sad to leave that life and the blessings that came with it. 

I realized it was the same way with leaving California again.  I loved my life there!  The people that were placed in my life there changed me more than they'll ever know.  I don't know if any of my friends, coworkers or past students know just how lucky I consider myself because I got to be a part of their lives, if only but for a moment.  

I also realized that it was almost like I was in mourning.  I was mourning a life once lived, once loved and never forgotten.  It is possible to miss a past life even if you are so happy with your current one?  The Lord sure knows me and knows just what I need.  At that time in my life, I needed them.  All of them!  The school, the ward, the students.  Now He has so gently steered me in this direction, back to where I grew up, to raise the three little spirits that engulf my life and are three of the reasons I consider myself one of the most blessed people in the world. 

It made me sad to realize that they were moving on and for the first time I didn't know the ins and outs of their lives. It was hard not to say, "What have I done with the last three years?".  I know the answer to that.  It's obvious.  What wasn't so obvious was the stark realization that while I love putting these little ones before myself, gladly letting them take center stage, I on the other hand, was NOT so comfortable with being the center of attention.  I just wanted to crawl in a hole and never come out.  

It's hard not to think that everyone is staring at you, judging you.  I tried to drowned out the voice in my head that just kept counting the pounds I've put on since I last saw them.  It was everything I could do not to add up the vacations and trips that they've taken since we were last together and compare it to my "outings" each day to the grocery store.  

So, just know that even though I am happier than I can possibly imagine, I do have those moments where I long for a past life, for a life I loved but don't regret in the least bit.  I'm grateful for the lasting friendships I've made and for each part of them I took with me to be who I am each day.