I have this little sticker off to the side of my family blog. Maybe you've seen it?
I mean, at first glance everything is normal. Then I really look at it and what it's saying. Essentially, it's reminding me (and in essence all of you), just how young my little ones are. They've been on this earth less than 4 years. Each of them so new, so young, and incredibly- so happy.
So why is it that I forget this one simple fact so often?
I have something to admit. It's not something I want to say out loud. Not something I wish for the world to hear. But if I'm being honest, I'd tell you that I'm having a hard time. I tell you this for a few reasons. #1-I don't want others to think that everything is all sunshine and rainbows in my life and their life fails in comparison. #2-Because this is our family journal, I want my kids to see (especially my girls) that even though I love them dearly, and love my "job" as a stay-at-home-mom, it's still hard. When life moves on and it's their turn to have little ones and call me wanting so badly to make it all go away, I can tell them from experience that it is hard, but they will love it and know they've made the right decision to take an active part in raising their children.
So much of my life lately is saying "No".
No to everything it seems.
No to fun.
I tried one day to really pay attention to what I was saying and how I was saying it. Sadly, by the end, I couldn't stand the sound of my own voice. It went something like this:
"Vance, Get down from off the table! No Kurty, I'm feeding the baby so I can't come and help you with that puzzle. Ava- stop screaming. Ok, keep screaming but I don't give crackers to girls who give tantrums."
"No. No bubbles. No swimming today. After yesterday's 'poop-in-the-pool fiasco, I just don't want to chance it. No. No climbing. No, please don't open the door and let the twins out. No knives! Who's hiding in the pantry? I can hear paper unwrapping."
"Ok, Who stole my ipod off the counter? Give it back please.
"I'm sorry. I can't hear you if you're whining. Ava don't hit your brother. Vance, you can't cry when she bites you, because you bit her first".
And that was only the first hour of the day.
Honestly, it's a wonder I haven't taken up drinking as a past time.
That night, as I went to bed I was spent. Tired from the day. Tired from being the mean, angry mom. Worried that I was the only one out there with this short fuse and wondering if I was doing anything right out of the entire 13 hours we were up. As I was feeding the babe in the first shades of sunglight, I came across this quote from one of my favorite people, the late Marjorie Hinckley:
"My mother taught me some basic philosophies of rearing children. One is that you have to trust them. I tried hard to never say "no" if I could possibly say "yes". I think that worked well because it gave my children the feeling that I trusted them and they were responsible to do the best they could."
It was like a full hand slap in the face. I was doing it wrong. Oh so very wrong. I was micromanaging my toddlers. It's such an easy trap to fall into. I decided then and there that I would change my tune. Starting with the short times during the day that I fed this little guy.
I found that when I was "out of service" nursing the wee one, that was the most opportune time for everyone to get into trouble. I quickly decided that I would let them go for those few minutes, only intervening if it was life threatening. That seemed like a good plan. I figured that it would be easier to clean up a simple mess than listen to my incessant yelling for those 20 minutes. Good in theory.
That was until this happened...
Yes, my friends, that is in fact poop. In my defense, it was a matter of minutes. They were upstairs and suddenly it was quiet. Too quiet. I was perusing Pinterest as I fed the baby that night and saw this...
Too true.
And then I saw this early this morning and remembered that I am for sure not alone in this stinking sinking boat.
I have this quote that has been runnging through my head lately. Penned by the author Og Mandino, author of The Greatest Salesman in the World, it's one I need to memorize. When I was teaching school, I frequently would feel like I wasn't doing enough. Like there was this huge gaping hole of knowledge, fun, excitement and entertainment that I needed to provide for my students day in and day out. On the days where I could barely muster up the energy to open a book, I tried to remember (seeing my students as my "children") as much as I could those days. Little did I know just how much it would help me in my next life as a full time mom.
"I am convinced that the greatest legacy we can leave our children are happy memories: those precious moments so much like pebbles on the beach that are plucked from the white sand and placed in tiny boxes that lay undisturbed on tall shelves until one day they spill out, and time repeats itself, with joy and sadness, in the child now an adult."
I think I seriously will print it out in vinyl (though my husband abhors it on the wall) and put it somewhere where I'll see it daily. Reminding myself that the struggles, the pain, the messes- they're all part of our story. It may not be the most interesting story or life changing, but it will be ours. And I need my children to remember this time and their childhood without my angry voice getting in the way.
I think my biggest fear is that they'll learn how NOT to handle stress and become angry stress cases themselves. How do I remember that each day when I wake up after so very little sleep and my first thought is, "How in the world am I going to make it through the next 13 hours?!" I know this is a hard time. Adding another child is not easy. I know that time will ease some of the stress and soon enough it will start to feel normal again. I just need to hang on (for dear life!) until then.
A friend of mine posted this to her facebook wall yesterday-
"New Mamas Get Nothing Done"
(yes kids- we lived in a time when facebook was our primary form of communication). I read it in the wee hours of the early morning while I was feeding the baby. Through tears of exhaustion and relief, I felt what it was that I was missing: acceptance. I am enough. I am doing enough.
Sure, my dishes might not be done and I may or may not get a shower each day (who am I kidding? When it comes to choosing, everyone knows I am going to choose dishes!) but holding my new baby and putting a puzzle together with the toddlers is enough. Even better- it's the best thing I could do. Here's to me throwing out my to-do list and graciously embracing the barely-get-by list instead.
To all you mothers, those who have passed this stage, have yet to hit this stage or are like me- traveling fast on a sinking boat in this stage, my heart goes out to you. We are forever entwined in this wonderful, yet stressful and (more often than not), repugnant stage of life. Carry on faithful soldiers. Let us always remember that the struggle is part of the story. Our story. That's what makes it worth reading.
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