Inviting the Wolves In

Hello there.  

I've missed you. 

Since I decided to delete my social media accounts, I've missed seeing my friends and family daily and feeling like I am a part of their lives.  Don't get me wrong- I'm very happy with my decision and I wouldn't take them back even if you asked, but I still miss you. 

As to the reasons why-

I've been feeling for a while that I should delete them, but with no real reason.  Actually, if I told you how long I'd been feeling this way, you'd be embarrassed for me! I’d have days where I would feel guilty for spending so much time on my phone, or as I was uploading a photo of my kids out into the world wide web, I’d get this pang of guilt and fear and couldn’t identify it.  Then, it would pass so quickly that I’d kind of forget about it- until the next time it happened again.

My husband and I talk a lot about being “In the world” but not “of it”. I used to think that meant that I chose not to drink and smoke and party like those I saw in the “real world” do.  But, as years have passed, I’ve begun to see it differently.  I now think that there’s so much more to it than that.  It goes deeper than just saying no to things we’ve already been taught are harmful.

I started to wonder, What about those things that I THINK are good, but that are actually harmful?  Within the church, how was I CHOOSING to be “in the world” AND “of it”? 

Let me back up a little and tell you something Chase and I learned while living in the wilderness- about Wolves. 


When we were living and working in the Yukon, (Our "Youkon'd Me Into This" blog) before we left I was terrified that bears were going to come into our tent and eat my baby.  You may laugh, but with a brand new 6 month old baby (our first), I had every fear known to man- multiplied by 100 when living alone in the woods hundreds of miles from civilization.  Once we arrived and began talking to the locals, however,  we found that it wasn’t the bears they were freighted of.  Bears you knew were a threat.  Bears you knew came looking for food.  You could defend yourselves agains bears. It was the wolves that came quiet in the night that were the real hazard.  Wolves have been known to attack 1-2 dogs per week out in the Yukon (that’s a lot considering the very small population out there!).

Here are a few facts we learned about wolves:

*Wolves don’t often come and attack a dog right away.  Instead, they come around often to the dog, getting a little closer each time as they dance around and play.  Soon, the dog grows comfortable around his new friend and soon allows him into his space, often not even barking when it comes near.  

*Wolves will do this same thing, while inciting the dog to come out a little more from his pen each time just a little more.  They do it often enough until the dog feels comfortable and follows him into the woods, never to return.

*Wolves will often take enough time to get to know their prey that they’ve been known to lie down with them and keep them warm during the night over and over until they’ve gained their trust. 

A few months ago, I started to wonder, What are the wolves I am allowing into my life? It was very obvious to me that social media was up at the tip top of the list, but still It did so much good!  How could something that brought me so much joy actually be BAD for me? I was torn.  I denied the promptings I got to delete them over and over. 

I kind of imagine this conversation I’ll have someday with the Lord…

Him: “Ahem….”

Me: “I know!  I know!”

Him: “I tried to tell you so many times.  I was afraid you were never going to hear me.”
Me: “I was afraid to let go of all of the good things it gave me.”

Him: “Well, what about Me?  What about what I can give you?  Do you think it would be less than what the world could give you? I can give you a better marriage.  Can your computer do that?  I can give you more patience.  I would guess that your phone CANNOT do that.  I can give you a greater love than you have ever experienced.  One where you actually can learn to love YOURSELF.  Instead of always feeling like you may never measure up to anyone else on social media.”

Him: “I love you.”
Me: “I know”

Him: “Then prove it”.

And that was it.  I knew what I needed to do.  But yet- YET it was SOOO hard!  Saying goodbye and taking it down was different than just talking about it.  I hate to admit it, but I still didn’t do it.  Even after that heartbreaking conversation I knew we would have.  

And then one day it was even more clear. 

While in the midst of feeling like I was drowning with all I had to do, I was called to serve in the Relief Society Presidency in our church.  This was no small calling.  This was hours of work.  Visits each week, meetings upon meetings.  Add that to my husband’s calling in the Elder’s Quorum with meetings upon meetings and hours and hours of work. 

After I accepted the call, I got a little angry.  Why would the Lord want this for me?  He of all people knew what I was up against in my day.  What good could come of adding even more to my already impossible schedule? 

That same week Chase was gone on a work trip to Africa.  The cousins that live near us were visiting family up north.  I was alone in the house with just the kiddos.  I prayed for peace.  I prayed for time to get everything I needed to get done.  I was sitting outside watching the kids play when the thought came to me: “Where is my phone?  I don’t have it in my hand.  I don’t think I’ve even looked at it this morning.” And then…the peace!  Oh the peace!  It was JUST what I was praying for.  It washed over me warm and clean.  It was hopeful.  It was quiet and it was ENOUGH.  

And that’s when it FINALLY hit me.  That’s when I finally nodded my head.  I had now understood.  He needed me to be “in the world” but not “of it”.  He needed me to be present.  He needed me to be calm.  And for whatever reason- He needed me to let go. 

So for the two weeks Chase was gone I took a bit of a hiatus.  Not a complete break.  Just a trial run.  And you know what happened? Nothing.  Nothing major happened because I didn’t upload a picture.  We still had fun, I still felt the love I have for my kids, even though no one else saw it.  

Pretty soon, I began to love and crave the peace.  I noticed that when I did get back on, everything in my head got loud again.  There were videos, and blogs to read.  Dinners to cook and vacation photos to drool over.  I felt guilty that I wasn’t out running marathons while simultaneously coaching soccer and volunteering at the local animal shelter.  

And even when I got off of my phone or computer, the noise didn’t stop.  It seemed to follow me around.  It was in my head and part of me all day.  It wasn’t until I completely let go that I began to notice that during the quiet moments, miraculously my head was still quiet.  

Here are a few things I noticed when I started to walk away from social media:

*I was calmer

*I somehow had more time.  I’m not saying that suddenly there were more hours in the day.  But rather, the time I did have was not filled every second to the brim.  I had time to sit and ponder.  Time to meditate and think.  Quiet moments were just that; quiet.  

*I read books!  I have been saying for months that I wish I could find time to get back to reading.  In just the three weeks since I’ve been silent, I am happy to say that I just finished my 4th book and it’s like reuniting with an old friend! 

*Speaking of old friends, one of my biggest regrets about letting go was not getting to “socialize” with people I don’t get to see.  That has actually been the funnest part for me!  Yes, we’re back to emailing but it feels like I have pen pals again!  For those friends of mine that have emailed me these last few weeks, we’ve caught up on a deeper level than a short update ever allowed us to.  And the best part is that in three weeks I have met up - as in FACE to FACE with fiends I haven’t seen in years!  How funny that without social media I had to be - GASP - Social.  

So many of my friends have called and emailed, lots of you concerned that maybe something is wrong.  Please know that I am SO grateful for your thoughtfulness!  I know that if something were ever truly wrong, I would have a great support system to get through it.  Also know that absolutely NOTHING is wrong.  If anything- things are better.  Better than they have been in a long time! 

But if I had to keep a list as to really WHY I was done, this would be it: 

• I’m appalled at the way Satan takes something good and twists it to his advantage.  I was outraged when I discovered that simple little hashtags, some I had used MANY times were FULL of half naked women halfway down the page.  I was sick to think that not only were some of my pictures linked to them (yes I deleted all of my hashtags one by one, but that still didn't’ remove the horrible feeling I had), but that my loved ones (my nieces and nephews) had full access to all of that.  Just by a click of a button. 
• I was tired of feeling like I had control over what I posted, but no control of what others put on MY wall, or what I saw on theirs.  
• I was tried of feeling like my privacy was constantly being violated
• I found that I cared more about what I posted than what actually happened.  It was more about the appearance of perfection, than perfection itself. 
• I was more concerned with “catching up” with my Facebook family than I was with my family
• My phone was getting more attention than my husband/children
• It was the first thing I checked in the morning, and the last thing I looked at at night.  If there was a free second, I was checking for updates. I found myself dissatisfied when I kept clicking “refresh” and when nothing new came on.  I soon found I was a slave to my devices, whether I wanted to admit it or not. 

I still don’t know if it’s enough.  I do feel a little left out of what’s going on in the world, but I am beginning to see that when I step further away from the world, I step closer to God and for me- that’s what’s important right now. 

I still care deeply about the friends I left behind.  I refuse to think that these relationships cannot thrive without the element of social media.  Yes it takes more work, but I’m willing to put in the effort if you are!